Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication leads us to give from the heart. It is about how to maintain relationship without hurting each other

In this book we learn, how to observe carefully, specify behaviors and condition that affecting us, clear articulate what we want in any given situation. The goal is to perceive ourselves and others, our intentions and relationships

NVC = process of communication or a language of compassion

It is mutual giving from the heart

Because of its mutualism, the taker, won’t be worry about consequences that accompany gifts and the giver also get benefit from enhance self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being

4 components of NVC:

1. Observations
2. Feelings
3. Needs
4. Requests

Communication That Blocks Compassion

In the world of judgements, our concern centers on “Who is what”

Our attention is focus on classifying, analyzing, determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting

Analyses of others are actually expression of our own needs and values

We all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs not out of a desire to give from the heart, but out of fear, guilt, or shame. Sooner or later, we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values out of sense of either external or internal coercion.

Value judgment and moralistic judgement

Value judgment: qualities we value in life like honesty, freedom, peace. It will reflect our beliefs of how life can best be served.

Moralistic judgement: people and behaviors that fail to support our value judgements for example: violence is bad, people who kill others are evil.

We would have learned to articulate our needs and values directly, rather that to insinuate wrongness when they have not been met. For example: instead of “Violence is bad”, we might say instead, “I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflict”

Language and violence is subject to psychology professor O.J. Harvey’s research at University of Colorado. His research shows that frequent use of such words and frequency of incidents. Less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as “good” or “bad” and believe that the “bad” ones deserve to be punished

Comparison are a form of judgment

Denial of Responsibility

We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves:

• Vague, impersonal forces: I had to
• Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history: I drink because I am an alcoholic
• The actions of others
• Dictates of athority
• Group pressure
• Institutional policies, rules, regulations
• Gender roles, social roles, age roles
• Uncontrollable impulses

We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledge choice. I have to give grades because it’s district policy ==> I choose to give grades because I want … I want to keep my job

It makes us feel so responsible for what I’m doing

We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.

Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication

Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgements rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.

Life-alienating communication has deep philosophical and political roots.

A positive or an apparently neutral label such as “cook” limit our perception of the totality of another person’s being

Inferring what another person is thinking is not the same as observing his behavior

They had never made reference to specific behaviors -such as his storytelling- and they agreed to bring these up when we were all to meet together

Observing vs Evaluations

You are too generous (observe + evaluation)

When I see you give all your lunch money to others, I think you are being to generous (observe separate from evaluation)

Always, never, ever, whenever express observation when used in the following ways: I cannot recall your ever writing to me

Observation + evaluation, you are always busy, she is never there when she’s needed

When these words are used as exaggerations, they often provoke defensiveness rather than compassion

Words like frequently and seldom can also contribute to confusing observation with evaluation.

Identifying and Expressing Feelings

“I feel like I’m living with a wall” are unlikely to bring her feelings and desires to her husband’s attention. In fact, they are more likely to be heard as criticism than as invitations to connect with our feelings.

Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.

Non-Feelings

1. Words such as that, like, as if:

“I feel that you should know better”

“I feel like a failure”

2. The pronouns, I, you, he, she, they, it:

“I feel I am constantly on call”

3. Names or nouns referring to people:

“I feel Amy has been pretty responsible”

Distinguish feelings from thoughts

Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are

1. Description of what we think we are

“I feel inadequate as a guitar player”

2. Expressions of actual feelings

“I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player”

It’s helpful to differentiate between words that describe what we think others are doing around us, and words that describe actual feelings.

Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us

1. I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work

Unimportant describe how I think others are evaluating me

2. I fee misunderstood

misunderstood = my assessment of the other person’s level of understanding rather than an actual feeling

3. I feel ignored

Interpretation of the actions of others

Building a vocabulary for feelings

Use words that refer to specific emotions, rather than general

good could mean happy, excited, relieved.

Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings

NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus but never the cause, of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment.

Four options for receiving negative messages:

1. blame ourselves

2. blame others

3. sense our own feelings and needs

4. sense other’s feelings and needs

Example:

A: You disappointed me by not coming over last evening

B: I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me

A attributes responsibility for his disappointment solely to another person’s action. B traces his feeling of disappointment to his own unfulfilled desire.

The more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to response compassionately.

Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel.. because I need..”

Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt

Judgement of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs

If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met

From Emotional Slavery to Emotional Liberation

First stage: Emotional slavery. We see ourselves responsible for other’s feelings

Second stage: The obnoxious stage. We feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for other’s feelings

Third stage: Emotional liberation. We take responsibility for our intentions and actions

Request that Which Would Enrich Life

Use positive language when making requests

Making requests in clear, positive, concrete actions language reveals what what we really want

Making requests Consciously

We are often not conscious of what we are requesting

Request may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs

Why don’t you go and get a haircut

vs

We’re worried that your hair is getting so long it might keep you from seeing things, especially when you’re on your bike. How about a hair cut

The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it

Requests versus Demands

Our requests are receiving as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion.

It’s a demand if the speaker then criticize or judge

It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt trip

It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs

Define Our Objective When Making Requests

Genuine requests requires an awareness of our objective. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately. Objective NVC: relationship based on honesty and empathy.

Receiving Empathically

Two parts of NVC:

1. Expressing honestly
2. Receiving empathically

Listening to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking

When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs

The Protective Use of Force

Fear of corporal punishment obscures children’s awareness of the compassion underlying their parent’s demands

When we fear punishment, we will focus on consequences, not on our own values

Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill

Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others

When a, I feel, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d.

Caring for our inner environment

What do I need to do for myself right now with this headache?

Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong

Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication

Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility